Jay Z’s 99 Problems (Part 1)

This man has problems.

In his song “99 Problems,” Jay Z famously proclaims “I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one.” He talks about a couple incidents he’s had before. The issue here (or you might even say, the “problem”) is that the chorus uses the present tense while most of the problems he brings up are problems he has had in the past. So what are the 99 problems he has? I’ve thought about this for a long time and I think I’ve figured it out. There’s a lot to cover so I will split this up over a few posts across a span of time.

1. He’s having trouble coming up with album titles that don’t involve the words “The Blueprint” in them.

2. Beyonce clearly hates him and all other men in the world (this doesn’t constitute as “girl trouble” because Beyonce is not a girl, she is Sasha Fierce).

3. He’s having writers block writing the sequel to his biography “Decoded.”

4. No one wants to publish a sequel to “Decoded.”

5. His new line of fragrance for men called “Dirt Off Your Shoulder” is failing in test groups with repeated comments saying “it smells like dirt.”

6. Rihanna wants to branch out and work with other rappers.

7. He keeps losing count when trying to count his money.

8. Jehovah is mad that he calls himself “Hova,” citing copyright claims.

9. He still feels hurt for Nicki Minaj totally outdoing him with her verse on “Monster.”

10. He was banking on being Donald Trump’s VP candidate.

11. His new line of fragrance for women called “Izzo” is failing in test groups with repeated comments saying “it smells like Seagrams wine coolers and bro sweat.”

12. The patent office rejected his application to obtain rights to the phrases “uh huh, uh huh.”

13. Soulja Boy is making a mockery of his genre.

14. He’s can’t figure out what the least sacrilegious name he could give to a future son who would be the son of the Hova.

15. He’s finding out that New York isn’t the place where dreams are made of. Dreams are actually created in the subconscious.

16. He’s misplaced one of his grammy’s.

17. His new line of fragrance for the elderly called “Money, Cash, Hoes” is failing in test groups with repeated comments saying “the only thing more offense than the name is the smell.”

18. He just can’t seem to break into the nursery school market with his record sales.

19. His life calling to be a wild life rescue official has been put on hold because of this little rap career.

20. He’s still having trouble making facial expressions.

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